I composed *Between My Heart and Obligation* not from a place of certainty but from within the haze, during times when my days blended together, and my identity felt as if it was slipping away. I wrote while grappling with questions such as: Did I make the right choices? Did I act justly towards them? Did I honor myself?

At times, writing was impossible. I would find myself at my desk, fingers poised over the keyboard, overwhelmed with tears, not the cathartic kind, but those stemming from painful memories. This crying made me doubt my strength to convey the truth. Sometimes I went months without writing.

I stroked her hair and reassured myself that I could manage this. It felt like vanishing.

I did not sugarcoat my experiences. I wrote the unfiltered truth, the kind that caused me to wince as I typed. It was akin to reopening wounds I had not realized were still fresh. My intent was not to shield anyone; rather, it was to honor the reality of what transpired, even when it was painful.

The Fog Remains Regardless of Writing

Caregiving does not cease with the passing of the individual you cared for; it continues to linger. It resides in your physical being, in your daily habits, and in your instinctive reactions when the phone rings. Composing this book required me to deliberately wade back into that fog, revisiting moments I had previously tucked away in silence, the hushed apologies, the subtle humiliations, the nights spent in my car screaming in solitude.

I loved them. I resented them. I longed to be anywhere else. I aspired to be better than this.

There is no elegant way to articulate the experience of caregiving; it is chaotic, complex, and filled with contradictions. While writing, I did not feel courageous; I felt shattered. Nonetheless, I persevered because I sensed that, deep down, someone else might find solace in these words.

The Questions That Haunted Me

Should I have made different choices?  
Should I have taken a step back?  
Should I have sought additional support?  
Should I have released them sooner?

I lack definitive answers. What I possess is a collection of questions, a compilation of moments where I endeavored, albeit imperfectly and painfully, to be present. This book does not portray caregiving as honorable or uncomplicated or always correct. However, it is genuine, and at times, that is all we can provide.

I gave them my time, my body, my rest, my sanity. I can’t determine if it was sufficient or excessive.

For Those Facing Similar Questions

If you are reading this and questioning your decisions, know that you are not alone. If you are grieving someone who is still living or someone who has departed but remains in your heart, I acknowledge your struggle. If you are writing through the fog or simply trying to navigate through it, I commend your bravery.

Between My Heart and Obligation* is not about finding closure; it is about facing reality. It serves as a tribute to the intricate truth of caregiving and to those who endure it, quietly and fiercely, each day.